What makes me who I am...

I stopped pondering about myself, I mean about how I am as a person, be it how good or how bad I don’t quiet know. Did you know that human being is the master of thought and the molder of character and the maker and shaper of destiny. Meaning our thoughts are leading to our destiny. Is is that simple ? I mean if the fountain of thoughts we are holding is pure doesn’t it automatically equal that all what we do will be pure ? For instance holding thoughts of fear will slowly kill us without even knowing that it is killing us because fear is poison that gnaws our body. Thoughts of fear could kill men as speedly as a bullet. And as far as I am concerned « death » is not really that pure.

I hold a thousand thoughts in the little skull of mine and I can take anyone’s ear off talking about them . However, there are some thoughts that I don’t have the right to share, it’s not that I don’t have the right to share but I wouldn’t want to share them, they are mine. What I’m doing here implicitly is tossing those thoughts into my subconscious . Yes. It’s like I’m surpressing them but I’m not. Despite the fact that  I’m in some way a diaphanous book, not as complicated as an anagram but I feel like that the real and true self hides in my subconscious. And lately I’ve been feeling a lot like jumping into it and not leaving. There, I could be the complete sum of my real will, there I feel that I broke through the integuments I already talked about.  In contrast to the real world,where I feel that I am under the tyranny of a set of things I’d better not break , the subconscious is where everything is possible. There’s no pressure of others and no importunity that would change the path of what I really want.

Yes, I hate that feeling when I have to choose between two choices, then it’s whether I please myself or surrender and please what they want. In this situation I feel like I’m the edge of a cliff, about to fall down due to all the pressure. And I’m not really the kind who surrender to pressure or anything, trust me I always lean towards pleasing myself, it’s kind of a dignity thing. I don’t recall doing what somebody else wants unless it is also what I want. And I happen to belive and the aphorism saying that the soul attracts that which it secretly harbors, that which it loves and also that which it fears. And concidering that my sould portrays who I am and who I am is the sum of my thoughts and wills then I happen to attract all the mentioned in the aphorism especially what I love which is utterly obvious. 

I said sometimes I have to choose between following my will or other’s wills. And there’s one exception for that : My dad. Daddy is the person I love the most on earth, he’s the most important person on earth for I know that he’s the person that spoils me most and put up with all my crazy demands.  He remains astonished in what I say to convince him to let me do what I want. Yeah, I can be very conceiving when I have to. He is very supportive and understanding to the point that I really can’t put into words. I just love him and I can do anything to please him even if that means giving up on what my subconscious wants. I’m slighly wistful about old stuff he used to do to me when I was a little girl. That’s nostalgic me talking.  Yes my dad is amazing I love him more than anything.

I may seen kind of schizophrenic at the end of this talking because I was insisting on the fact that I’ll do anything for what I want but I’m not that odd, that’s me and my Dad , may God protect him for me and my family.