It’s been a
while, well a quiet long one,more than a year since I got into a train and decided not to
leave. I knew then that my trip could eventually turn into dust, into memories,
and that all the feelings that I’m carrying with me along the way might get hurt
by a way or another. Actually being aware of that risk is a good thing as I was
told, because it is always ringing the bell telling me that the rope I’m holding as strong as it my seem, is actually
thinner than I could imagine and thus the possibility of it being cut is not
that iffy no matter how far fetched it may seem to myself.
The moment I steped into the train and decided to be part of the mandane
experience I knew that I would be second choice. This fact couldn’t by any
means be changed unless the choices were made differently. It was cristal clear that what
I was doing is pure lunatic doing but my
brain wasn’t really in control. And then my actions became more frivolous than
I could ever imagine. I totally pictured myself when I was 10, but I never had
this image of myself; which I don’t deny is the most beautiful thing one can
ever live.
Now I’m peeping into myself and I realize no matter how transparent I
may seem, a mystery a kind of anagram I shall remain. While everone thinks to
know so well, sweet, honest, loving, gentle, hardworking, serious, crazy , I’m
actually not really who they think I am for there’s a part of myself that would
always remain buried in the depth of my inner self.
Just because I’m not telling anyone about this thing doesn’t
automatically mean that it’s not beautiful because if it’s what you’re thinking
than you’re utterly wrong. We would all
agree that beauty can be portrayed in all that which makes us happy at its
sight, everything that makes our heart beat faster, everything that makes us feel
more alive, brief everything that add sense into our lives. Well, I have had
this thing, this beautiful thing I am keeping for myself to completely enjoy
and taste that makes me feel more special and peculiar than anyone . But wait a
second, maybe that’s it. The secret of its unending sea of beauty is its secrecy,
privacy. Sometimes secrecy is a bliss. In
my case, I am embracing the bitterness of secrecy. This thing is above imagination,
above fantasy. I’m afraid it all already got deep under my skin that I wouldn’t
be able to extract it even if I wanted to. Wait a second, I already tried that
as well. Yes I’ve already cut that rope thinking it would be for the best,
thinking that molding a new beginning wouldn’t be that hard. Guess I’m not that
always right. Though not being able to cut it was more of a gift than a
failure. We all know the old saying: “if you love something let it go if it
comes back then it’s yours if it doesn’t then it ever were. “ It actually came
back when I set that rope free to the wind but it actually remained waiting
patiently as a rock. Anything weaker,
without faith would have just let go. I myself thought that I should hunt down
that thing in my life, shoot it, and find somewhere to bury it in. Though it
was stronger than my so called “will” that it got back again, making me feel
stronger and more worthy than ever.
Having this one thing in my life actually seems like heaven and I would
rather have and live within this beauty rather than to live with all the
portraits in the world.
Folks, as much as I try to put this into words, you will never actully
understand it until you live it, but unfortunately given that I won’t share
more details about it than you can never have it, yeah that’s selfish me
talking me, preserving “private property”.
You may think that I’m some kind of crazy under XnaX effect but I assure
you I’m not bullshitting you because this beauty is actually alive. Sometimes I
wish I could break through the integuments.
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