Turning point...

An experience that has changed my view towards life. Well, to begin with, I believe that within our lives we experience a lot of things that could either make us better or drag us down. It's like we're some sort of chemestry book with thousands ans thousands of experiences.

We are all born a blank surface, lacking of memories that shapes who we are but as time passed by, the blank was no more blank for ink has drew on it numerous experiences. And then, we are no more innocent faces, no more innocent souls. We live among a society that is dirty and we have to fight to remain clean and pure. But how can a fountain be pure if mankind itself isn't?

As far as I am concerned, I can say that my life is a book of mystery and its key is gaining my trust. I have lived in every possible way some things I have never ever imagined I would live even though I am still 17 years old, even though me being aware that life carries for me a whole lot of experiences. And yet, the ones I have lived are like tattoed in my head and some of them marked me be it with a wound or smile. Yes, I have been wounded, deeply and profondly but time helped me heal myself and learn from that which caused my suffering. It's obvious given that we, mankind, learn by both suffering and bliss, thus our experiences don't have to be all beautiful. Our path in life doesn't have to be heaven like, it definitly has in it goulish dark detours. Well, in one of these detours I've been wounded so deeply that it tooks quiet a long time to recover. But let's not go into the drama details because that's not my thing and this detour isn't the one that has changed my life.

Well, the thing that has turned my life completly to another path is meeting someone. I love myseteries and I consider secrecy a bliss and I embrace it so I'm just gonna keep refering to him/her by" someone". Anyway that someone I had met months ago really changed my life. I wasn't the kind of person who would do good in a public speech. I also wasn't the kind of person who would stand up for every single thought held in mind. But this someone was becoming my idol day after day. It was happening but I wasn't aware that it was.
Concidering that fact that this person came out of the blue without notice, I was kind of loving it. I hadn't believed in such thing as 'idol' but life is so hard that I realized that I need someone to look up to in every single move that I do and every decision that I make.
As said in frensh, "les eaux ont coulé sous le pond" and I don't catch sight of old reserved me, I can barely recognize myself. And this person isn't only my turning point byt also a listening ear for whenevr I feel like talking I know I can go let it all out without fearing being exposed because I am aware that it's like I'm talking to a well.
I am genuinely grateful for having this person in my life and living with this person with me is itself an experience that shall never be forgotten!

I might break any moment...

Concidering all the ups and downs we've been having, actually more downs than ups, I am starting to believe that you and I are doomed to always keep fighting to the point that it is starting to poison our relationship and drag it down to drawning. Will it vanish with time and meditation? Are the thoughts that I am having just in my head? Are you and I okey? Do you really believe that? As much as I want to believe that, it doesn't really seem to be this way. They say that just summer closes few doors not entirely but just partially. Though I was seeing you and I from a complete other angle you know, I never really thought that we'd reash this point of disagreeing. I'm not really sure I can put up with the bitterness of our problems as much as I tried to convince myself to it, I find myself just pretending while it has never been my thing to pretend something and live in a fake way. 

But when I stop from a moment to recall how we got into this, I realize that I am not entirely to blame for you have started everything. I can be a pain in the ass when I'm mad, I can even be unbelievably mean like a total badass bitch and start sending few words like bullets to your head. Yeah, I just pull that trigger and let every single cruel unbearable word come out. But, it's not like I have a choice, I don't do that unless I have reashed the point where my tolerance is nihilistic. Did it hurt? I'm not really that sorry because you've done the same and even worse to me. I really don't need to rehash old arguments and start remembering all the shit that has happened because that it unpleasant. What have I done after all the arguments, I decided on my own to take aback, and stay remote for a while, thinking that it is all for the best. I had no idea then that it would make things even worse. But it was good for me because I'd rather not talk to you than to spend every single day fighting over something I know will never be solved. 

I feel like a hurricane, a volcano ready to blow up and let all my lava out, burning every single thing surrounding me. 
I hate you because you are disappointing me. I hate you because I believed in you when they didn't. I hate you because you are prooving wrong every single thing I thought of you. I hate you because you are tossing to dust every single memory we lived together. Memories? Is that me talking? I really sound pathetic here . Hope, expectation, and all what comes with it are words that sound incerdibly pathetic here. I mean what was I expecting? Expectation is the root of heartache and yet I expected more much than this. Talking like this doesn't really mean that I'm heartbroken or something, not at all, I am genuinely disgusted by the thought about how you became as a person. Seeing you I could barely recognize you, you have to be ashamed of yourself. 

You'll say I'm not understanding even after explaining, but what can I do when your excuses and so called "arguments" are too iffy and more lame than the thing you did and I quit following my heart when it comes to you. 

I am positive that if we continue this way, this relationship is gonna change my attitude with people so fucking much. This facade I am standing with will utterly change.

What makes me who I am...

I stopped pondering about myself, I mean about how I am as a person, be it how good or how bad I don’t quiet know. Did you know that human being is the master of thought and the molder of character and the maker and shaper of destiny. Meaning our thoughts are leading to our destiny. Is is that simple ? I mean if the fountain of thoughts we are holding is pure doesn’t it automatically equal that all what we do will be pure ? For instance holding thoughts of fear will slowly kill us without even knowing that it is killing us because fear is poison that gnaws our body. Thoughts of fear could kill men as speedly as a bullet. And as far as I am concerned « death » is not really that pure.

I hold a thousand thoughts in the little skull of mine and I can take anyone’s ear off talking about them . However, there are some thoughts that I don’t have the right to share, it’s not that I don’t have the right to share but I wouldn’t want to share them, they are mine. What I’m doing here implicitly is tossing those thoughts into my subconscious . Yes. It’s like I’m surpressing them but I’m not. Despite the fact that  I’m in some way a diaphanous book, not as complicated as an anagram but I feel like that the real and true self hides in my subconscious. And lately I’ve been feeling a lot like jumping into it and not leaving. There, I could be the complete sum of my real will, there I feel that I broke through the integuments I already talked about.  In contrast to the real world,where I feel that I am under the tyranny of a set of things I’d better not break , the subconscious is where everything is possible. There’s no pressure of others and no importunity that would change the path of what I really want.

Yes, I hate that feeling when I have to choose between two choices, then it’s whether I please myself or surrender and please what they want. In this situation I feel like I’m the edge of a cliff, about to fall down due to all the pressure. And I’m not really the kind who surrender to pressure or anything, trust me I always lean towards pleasing myself, it’s kind of a dignity thing. I don’t recall doing what somebody else wants unless it is also what I want. And I happen to belive and the aphorism saying that the soul attracts that which it secretly harbors, that which it loves and also that which it fears. And concidering that my sould portrays who I am and who I am is the sum of my thoughts and wills then I happen to attract all the mentioned in the aphorism especially what I love which is utterly obvious. 

I said sometimes I have to choose between following my will or other’s wills. And there’s one exception for that : My dad. Daddy is the person I love the most on earth, he’s the most important person on earth for I know that he’s the person that spoils me most and put up with all my crazy demands.  He remains astonished in what I say to convince him to let me do what I want. Yeah, I can be very conceiving when I have to. He is very supportive and understanding to the point that I really can’t put into words. I just love him and I can do anything to please him even if that means giving up on what my subconscious wants. I’m slighly wistful about old stuff he used to do to me when I was a little girl. That’s nostalgic me talking.  Yes my dad is amazing I love him more than anything.

I may seen kind of schizophrenic at the end of this talking because I was insisting on the fact that I’ll do anything for what I want but I’m not that odd, that’s me and my Dad , may God protect him for me and my family.

Fine mingling of letting go and holding on.

It’s been a while, well a quiet long one,more than a year since I got into a train and decided not to leave. I knew then that my trip could eventually turn into dust, into memories, and that all the feelings that I’m carrying with me along the way might get hurt by a way or another. Actually being aware of that risk is a good thing as I was told, because it is always ringing the bell telling me that the rope I’m  holding as strong as it my seem, is actually thinner than I could imagine and thus the possibility of it being cut is not that iffy no matter how far fetched it may seem to myself.

The moment I steped into the train and decided to be part of the mandane experience I knew that I would be second choice. This fact couldn’t by any means be changed unless the choices were made differently. It was cristal clear that what I was doing is  pure lunatic doing but my brain wasn’t really in control. And then my actions became more frivolous than I could ever imagine. I totally pictured myself when I was 10, but I never had this image of myself; which I don’t deny is the most beautiful thing one can ever live.  

Now I’m peeping into myself and I realize no matter how transparent I may seem, a mystery a kind of anagram I shall remain. While everone thinks to know so well, sweet, honest, loving, gentle, hardworking, serious, crazy , I’m actually not really who they think I am for there’s a part of myself that would always remain buried in the depth of my inner self.

Just because I’m not telling anyone about this thing doesn’t automatically mean that it’s not beautiful because if it’s what you’re thinking than you’re utterly wrong.  We would all agree that beauty can be portrayed in all that which makes us happy at its sight, everything that makes our heart beat faster, everything that makes us feel more alive, brief everything that add sense into our lives. Well, I have had this thing, this beautiful thing I am keeping for myself to completely enjoy and taste that makes me feel more special and peculiar than anyone . But wait a second, maybe that’s it. The secret of its unending sea of beauty is its secrecy, privacy.  Sometimes secrecy is a bliss. In my case, I am embracing the bitterness of secrecy. This thing is above imagination, above fantasy. I’m afraid it all already got deep under my skin that I wouldn’t be able to extract it even if I wanted to. Wait a second, I already tried that as well. Yes I’ve already cut that rope thinking it would be for the best, thinking that molding a new beginning wouldn’t be that hard. Guess I’m not that always right. Though not being able to cut it was more of a gift than a failure. We all know the old saying: “if you love something let it go if it comes back then it’s yours if it doesn’t then it ever were. “ It actually came back when I set that rope free to the wind but it actually remained waiting patiently as a rock.  Anything weaker, without faith would have just let go. I myself thought that I should hunt down that thing in my life, shoot it, and find somewhere to bury it in. Though it was stronger than my so called “will” that it got back again, making me feel stronger and more worthy than ever.   Having this one thing in my life actually seems like heaven and I would rather have and live within this beauty rather than to live with all the portraits in the world.

Folks, as much as I try to put this into words, you will never actully understand it until you live it, but unfortunately given that I won’t share more details about it than you can never have it, yeah that’s selfish me talking me, preserving “private property”.  You may think that I’m some kind of crazy under XnaX effect but I assure you I’m not bullshitting you because this beauty is actually alive. Sometimes I wish I could break through the integuments.

Lost..

Do you ever get this feeling where you're about to sofficate, asphyxiated by your surrounding. The people you encounter, the thoughts you hold, the things you have to do. Is this world a set of rules we shouldn't cross to survive? Is the lasting of our species contingent upon respecting what others want or following our own gut feeling.

I am going through that feeling thses days. I have really a traffic jam of thoughts in my head all of which I don't think I can handle. My parents and I have clashing ideas about a particular subeject. They started discussing it with me, ending the conversation by : "do what you want", as implicitly saying "do what we want". It's a whole lot of pressure they are dragging me into. At the end, I feel that if I do what I really want I'd look a miserable apathetic selfish girl who don't give a shit about what her parents think while it's the complete opposite. In contrast to many teenagers of my age who tend to pleasing themselves by hook or by by crook, I lean towards pleasing all sides even if the solution is way far fetched and unaccepted by me. That sounds a bit frivolous in some way since accepting what I don't really want was never my thing but when it comes to my parents my kind little heart remains above all dignity. Though when I happen to be aware that my parents are completly wrong, I do not give up easily. I then find myself thinking about any futility that could be conceivable by my parents. I'm even sometimes driven to rehash old arguments where I proved myself right. Yes I know no excuse encomposes how lame and clumsy it is of me to rehash old stuff  but they've left me with no other alternatives.

Though, I've been thinking all day about what I should do in this case. I'm no selfish apatheticgirl for I care too much about others but I really wanna be in that class. Is it really that wrong? I can't forecast what will happen then but I'm positive that I'll be more knowledgeable in English studies and communication. Although my parents are kind of leery of the importance of this class concidering the fact that my sisters didn't continue until this level. They both stopped at Adv4. Actually I won't deny that my sisters and I are alike concerning our studies but we do not agree much on this point. My passion for English was secretly growing as time passed by, exceeding that which of my sisters. Maybe my urge has more powerful assets.