As I have recently approached in a book I'm reading, our human nature usually uses a defense  based on immersing in denial and drowning every ounce of our pain under a carpet we can't feel. When life gets rough, and when the amount of what we can deal with becomes quiet redundant, we choose to just act as if nothing is happening and carry on living by gathering whatever bits of happiness we can find. The pain and the suffering we dread and run from as far away as we can. Denial becomes what drug is for junkies: evanescent peace of mind.
Though as far as I am concerned, I don't like to fake a smile nor fake a behavior for faking is equal to lying and lying is not my best suit. I am sometimes not liked for my over honesty and little tolerance of things or people I don't like and yet I seem to have fallen unconsciously in the waves of denial for a while.
For the past few weeks I have been reveling in what seems to be my own embodiment of happy me in light of every dreadful thing I have encountered/ still encoutering. If I were to list what had happened it would be endless and I also don't feel like going totally naked in this writing. 

And now.. how am I and what am I ? I don’t know, or at least for now, sedatives at the hospital have this marvellous effect of dulling my feelings and taking me into pure and authentic emptiness, evil smelling emptiness because it just makes everything look okay for the time being and just as it starts fading away, I start going back to my real state, the very tired and hurt state, a state in which I believe that I am unbearable and annoying. I believe no one has to go through that with me, that evil state of mine in which I can hurt your feelings just to feel better and yet burst into tears the next second. Confusing right ? And if you ask what I want or what I feel, I wouldn’t know what to say because I honestly don’t know, because whatever I say now is not valid, I am not emotionally aware of how I am. I might even start to think that I am lost in the desire of recovering and finding myself again, because I just don’t feel like myself and it scares me too. And if I indeed have lost myself, when did it start ?

I'am going through a very rough time right now and I felt like writing, I'm very alone right now but here are my thoughts.. 
I can't stop thinking about a movie I had watched, its name is Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind. It’s about erasing the memory of a loved one. I’m not sure if that kind of surgery exists but it sure did in the movie for people would take appointments to have their mind cleared of memories that keep them down, of memories that caused nothing but sorrow and pain. With that doctor, everyone gets to have a second chance, and every miserable life gets to have a new begining. Though do we really want out memories erased ? Do you really wanna survive like nothing ever happened in your life ? What if those memories were a lesson to you or what if those same memories were testomony to how engrossing your life has been ? Don’t you think that there is more we could do other than just forging another person that is fake . As human beings, everyday comes with a bunch of events that happen to us, whether pleasant or unpleasant, it just has to happen, and with this common occurance we are unconsciously storing our own stories and adventures for those stories actually make who we are. Yes, it may sound insane but it’s true, philosophially speaking, it is the succesion of memories in one’s memory that makes their identity, their unique self that has nothing to do with another human being for we can’t have similar memories. So after a storm strikes in one’s life and destroys it, one wishes everything would fade away, every memory lived, every laugh made, every word spoken, and every word left unspoken. After that storm, the pain of the heart pierces one’s soul and poisons one’s breath. We become slaves to the desire of oblivion and we wish for something magic to drag us out of that goulish path we went into. We want to survive the storm somehow, we become deseprate, helpless, and start to cling to any shred of hope and we endeavour finding a silver lining in the darkness.

Every one has his own way of healing the wounds tattoed on his body and I for instance wished I were a vampire because they heal instantly, right after the damage is done which is awsome, isn’t it ? Like I said, everyone heals its way, there are people who start writing about what they’ve been through because they find some kind relief in that and they like (which is kind of me..) because everything is writtable you just have to have to guts to let it out and showit to the world.  And there are others who start new habits and new routines for their monotonous lives and that way, they escape the truth of their sadness and sorrow and pain. It’s temporary before every hurtful feelings comes back rushing towards their heads but the feelings of emptiness that dulls into their veins ,while doing those new routines, is pricless. Some people might call it being in denial, tricking one’s self for few minutes or few hours or few days even because it’s just a matter of seconds before you remember everything, every single little thing that hurts as fuck. You believe for a second that you’re healed but as a matter of fact you’re not, because those memories are a part of you and you can’t let them go just because you decided to.

In this movie, forgetting about a loved one was served on a silver plate throughout a sergery that restrains your mind in a map of the events you want to forget. They sedate you and start slowly

destroying every bit of your memory as if you’re some kind lab rat which is totally pathetic, don’t you think ? Instead of facing the truth, you decide to just wipe it all away in a heartbeat. Memories that tooks days maybe even years to happen, you just wipe them with one decision, you just destroy them with one selfish decision.