Come and rescue me..

 The truth is right now I feel so fucking angry and that makes me so fucking sad I can't even describe it. 

Sometimes  I feel I'm a doomed with some curse preventing me from being happy for whenever I'm happy, I get no longer happy. My head is jampacked with thoughts and questions, spinning around, and it's borderline impossible for me to put it in order. It's over me, it's beyond my strength which is why at this right second, I feel more weak than ever. I feel that everything around me is jeoparadized, everything as substuncial it may seem, it can in a heartbeat fall apart, like a blizzard of snow does in a heavily snowy day. 

As mch as I try everytime to convince myself that I am not the wrong thing here, something hits me hard and reminds that I am the wrong thing in everyone's life, even my own mom's life. The pain I am feeling is unbearable, it is puncturing my mind, making it hurt so much that I can't stop it. I want morphling, I want to forget, I don't want to feel anything, I want to feel mere emptyness. I can't believe I'm actually saying that because I never wanted to feel emptyness. Now I'm bipolar... Fucking awsome. 

I feel lonely. It sounds crazy concidering the people in my life, but with this pain I feel lonely. Last night the pain started, I had no idea a beautiful day would end that way. It was nearly midnight and I was lonely. I tried to cool down, to look at the night sky, try to reach someone across the distance, to catch some positive vibrations, to know that I am not alone but the truth is I was alone, and no one could help. 

The words she said, the obsceneties I heard were heartbreaking. And why is this wolrd making it more complicated for me because everytime I want to forget something, it gets immediatly and irrevocably branded into my mind.. Lucky me!!

I can't be the same replica of someone I am not, someone I have never been like, someone I will never be like. Under the pressure I will suffocate. I feel like a pariah sometimes shunned by my mom. I know I can be rude sometimes, I mean I don't mean it, it's just that I lose it when I'm angry, I utterly lose it. I become dispicable. But it's not like I do it on purpose, it's just my way of responding when I feel opressed, and under its weight I break. I’m too sensitive. I’m like a tremendous ball of sensitivity and when I start crying, nothing can stop me. If I’m not mistaken, I maybe cried a river last night, this morning and no one can do anything about it. The more I think about it, the wider the river gets. The cloying of my sadness increases everytime I try not to think about it. Now I am blocked, I can’t focus on anything, I am litteraly useless. I shouldn’t be here.

What if I leave ? Maybe everyone will be happy, I do nothing but result in pain. I’m a pain in the ass. My life as TV show now would be so much more insipid than engrossing.

I feel down, in fact I am down. I’m in a dark path now, a goulish one. I see nothing but dark, there isn’t asingle light glaring. There is nothing calling out for me. I mean who would call for me ? I am wrong and I believe wrong isn’t beautiful therefore no one wants something not beautiful to ruin his/her life.

I’m wistful about the days where life wasn’t this monotonous, when life was more of an exhilirating song, when my sisters were still here. Those times are a wips of smoke now, I fail everytime I try to reach them.