The truth is
right now I feel so fucking angry and that makes me so fucking sad I can't even
describe it.
Sometimes I feel I'm a doomed with some
curse preventing me from being happy for whenever I'm happy, I get no longer
happy. My head is jampacked with thoughts and questions, spinning around, and
it's borderline impossible for me to put it in order. It's over me, it's beyond
my strength which is why at this right second, I feel more weak than ever. I
feel that everything around me is jeoparadized, everything as substuncial it
may seem, it can in a heartbeat fall apart, like a blizzard of snow does in a
heavily snowy day.
As mch as I try everytime to convince myself
that I am not the wrong thing here, something hits me hard and reminds that I
am the wrong thing in everyone's life, even my own mom's life. The pain I am
feeling is unbearable, it is puncturing my mind, making it hurt so much that I
can't stop it. I want morphling, I want to forget, I don't want to feel
anything, I want to feel mere emptyness. I can't believe I'm actually saying
that because I never wanted to feel emptyness. Now I'm bipolar... Fucking
awsome.
I feel lonely. It sounds crazy concidering
the people in my life, but with this pain I feel lonely. Last night the pain
started, I had no idea a beautiful day would end that way. It was nearly
midnight and I was lonely. I tried to cool down, to look at the night sky, try
to reach someone across the distance, to catch some positive vibrations, to
know that I am not alone but the truth is I was alone, and no one could
help.
The words she said, the obsceneties I heard
were heartbreaking. And why is this wolrd making it more complicated for me
because everytime I want to forget something, it gets immediatly and irrevocably branded into my mind.. Lucky me!!
I can't be the same replica of someone I am
not, someone I have never been like, someone I will never be like. Under the
pressure I will suffocate. I feel like a pariah sometimes shunned by my mom. I
know I can be rude sometimes, I mean I don't mean it, it's just that I lose it
when I'm angry, I utterly lose it. I become dispicable. But it's not like I do
it on purpose, it's just my way of responding when I feel opressed, and under
its weight I break. I’m too sensitive. I’m like a tremendous ball
of sensitivity and when I start crying, nothing can stop me. If I’m not
mistaken, I maybe cried a river last night, this morning and no one can do
anything about it. The more I think about it, the wider the river gets. The
cloying of my sadness increases everytime I try not to think about it. Now I am
blocked, I can’t focus on anything, I am litteraly useless. I shouldn’t be
here.
What if I leave ? Maybe everyone will be happy, I do nothing but
result in pain. I’m a pain in the ass. My life as TV show now would be so much
more insipid than engrossing.
I feel down, in fact I am down. I’m in a dark path now, a goulish one. I
see nothing but dark, there isn’t asingle light glaring. There is nothing
calling out for me. I mean who would call for me ? I am wrong and I
believe wrong isn’t beautiful therefore no one wants something not beautiful to
ruin his/her life.
I’m wistful about the days where life wasn’t this monotonous, when life
was more of an exhilirating song, when my sisters were still here. Those times
are a wips of smoke now, I fail everytime I try to reach them.
