Selfish, angry me..

Does is happen to all of us to want to say something but not have the words to let it out ? Do you find yourself stuck even driven not to say anything even though you have so much to say.

I do. You know, I have this blizzard of words and thoughts running through my head but I can’t seem to find an order to it. 

As much as I try to be reasonable I find myself in a path leading to a dead end where everything is foggy and unclear. No not that unclear, maybe it’s just in my head, I know it is just in my head and that I should work on controlling my anger and selfisshness or I’ll end up drawning in its depths, loosing everything that I care about.

In case you’re wondering, yes I get angry and selfish to the point I can’t really put into words. I was told it’s human to feel that way and I agree but is it human to be over angry and over selfish. As far as I am concerned, it isn’t. It’s a flaw. I  don’t want it, it is actually gnawing my being, gnawing myself in a way that is utterly not beautiful. You remember I’ve mentioned in my other posts that there are things I consider as « private property ». Well, I can  get angry in a heart beat when it comes to private property. What does that make me ? Don’t even think of jealous because I’m totally and utterly not. I mean who am I to get jealous ? I don’t even have the right to feel that way and that’s what makes me angry even more. The cloying of the foundness I carry for these  private property might be the reason why I get that angry, I lose it. Anger jeopardize it all, the foundness, the memories. As much as I try to avoid admitting it but I remain wounded unintentionally, and turn selfish instantly. I get all those thoughts in my head about what to do but I know that I usually fuck up when I’m nervous, I talk too much, say what I shouldn’t,  and think what I don’t want to. You’ll find then my mind a goulish, black path filled with dark unwanted thoughts, the same replica of the darkness of the nightsky.

Though the most dreadful idea I get and I hate is the jeopardy of this anger swallowing up a glimpse of our foundness. I find myself desprate. Yes as desprate as an abondened man in the middle of a desert clinging up to the hope of finding water . I cling up to the hope of feeling right, not angry, not selfish. This is too sentimental for me, that’s not me.

And you know, the thing is me being mad is not even intended, it just happens. Usually I carry hate and despise to that which makes me angry but the situation here is way more mystifying.

Which lead me to possible ways of putting and end to this twilight I’m in lacking to dawn, and I can’t do any of them just so you know.  My private property as I like to call it shall be freed. I’m over protective. Thus maybe it’s me that is wrong, couldn’t it ? Maybe I am that gleaming darkness. Maybe I should dismiss for the sunlight to glear.  I shall release that private property as a bird from my protective cage and slam the door against its return and a to a lifeless face I shall turn, a silhouette.  Though I’m aware I don’t have the power to do that, there is no possible way I can do that though it’s the only way by which I could hear your heartbeats again. Anger is suffocating and I can’t be reason for your asfixiating because I end up now believing I am the wrong thing here.  

I had a dream, yes a beautiful one, I love dreams, it was a precarious venture at best. I didn’t want to wake up. I was happy there, no anger , nothing. But at then end, I did wake up, I was brought back to sore reality and when I realized that my feet really turned to water. 

I talked too much here maybe I even fucked up, maybe my hormones are rushing my words out. Angry is selfish is the worst me, I dwell in silence not saying anything about it which could be bad. But you know, believe me , never take decisions when you’re in your worst moods, in other words, never take decisions when a strom is striking your mind.