Selfish, angry me..

Does is happen to all of us to want to say something but not have the words to let it out ? Do you find yourself stuck even driven not to say anything even though you have so much to say.

I do. You know, I have this blizzard of words and thoughts running through my head but I can’t seem to find an order to it. 

As much as I try to be reasonable I find myself in a path leading to a dead end where everything is foggy and unclear. No not that unclear, maybe it’s just in my head, I know it is just in my head and that I should work on controlling my anger and selfisshness or I’ll end up drawning in its depths, loosing everything that I care about.

In case you’re wondering, yes I get angry and selfish to the point I can’t really put into words. I was told it’s human to feel that way and I agree but is it human to be over angry and over selfish. As far as I am concerned, it isn’t. It’s a flaw. I  don’t want it, it is actually gnawing my being, gnawing myself in a way that is utterly not beautiful. You remember I’ve mentioned in my other posts that there are things I consider as « private property ». Well, I can  get angry in a heart beat when it comes to private property. What does that make me ? Don’t even think of jealous because I’m totally and utterly not. I mean who am I to get jealous ? I don’t even have the right to feel that way and that’s what makes me angry even more. The cloying of the foundness I carry for these  private property might be the reason why I get that angry, I lose it. Anger jeopardize it all, the foundness, the memories. As much as I try to avoid admitting it but I remain wounded unintentionally, and turn selfish instantly. I get all those thoughts in my head about what to do but I know that I usually fuck up when I’m nervous, I talk too much, say what I shouldn’t,  and think what I don’t want to. You’ll find then my mind a goulish, black path filled with dark unwanted thoughts, the same replica of the darkness of the nightsky.

Though the most dreadful idea I get and I hate is the jeopardy of this anger swallowing up a glimpse of our foundness. I find myself desprate. Yes as desprate as an abondened man in the middle of a desert clinging up to the hope of finding water . I cling up to the hope of feeling right, not angry, not selfish. This is too sentimental for me, that’s not me.

And you know, the thing is me being mad is not even intended, it just happens. Usually I carry hate and despise to that which makes me angry but the situation here is way more mystifying.

Which lead me to possible ways of putting and end to this twilight I’m in lacking to dawn, and I can’t do any of them just so you know.  My private property as I like to call it shall be freed. I’m over protective. Thus maybe it’s me that is wrong, couldn’t it ? Maybe I am that gleaming darkness. Maybe I should dismiss for the sunlight to glear.  I shall release that private property as a bird from my protective cage and slam the door against its return and a to a lifeless face I shall turn, a silhouette.  Though I’m aware I don’t have the power to do that, there is no possible way I can do that though it’s the only way by which I could hear your heartbeats again. Anger is suffocating and I can’t be reason for your asfixiating because I end up now believing I am the wrong thing here.  

I had a dream, yes a beautiful one, I love dreams, it was a precarious venture at best. I didn’t want to wake up. I was happy there, no anger , nothing. But at then end, I did wake up, I was brought back to sore reality and when I realized that my feet really turned to water. 

I talked too much here maybe I even fucked up, maybe my hormones are rushing my words out. Angry is selfish is the worst me, I dwell in silence not saying anything about it which could be bad. But you know, believe me , never take decisions when you’re in your worst moods, in other words, never take decisions when a strom is striking your mind.

Politic fury...

Even though politics have never been my thing, and watching news about country and stuff is not me but this particular subject got under my skin in a an utter ugly way, it is gnawing my mind slowly making it a slow thinking death because as much as I try to think about and find other explanations for the King’s pardon decision I find my self facing up a wall, reashing a deadlock shading light on the reality and sore truth about our Country.

I woke up a morning and I found everyone talking about that Spanish pedophile whom I doubt being human because what he did is far from being the act of a human or at least that he probably is a scychopath who needs to be cured.  I watched a Tv show in which Moroccan police tried to re-portray how Daniel used to attract his victims,innocent children. Despite the fact of Daniel being a sychopath, it appears that he’s fairly smart for his raping was never an act of chance, but Daniel used to stalk his victims, try to gain their trust by buying them sweets and candy and at the end, he drives them home where he always holds for them a small birthday party ending it with a present. By the time he gives them that present, the token kid being innocent wouldn’t think for a second that this man is bad. Candy and sweets and present are always testimony to how kind one can be in a child’s thinking. They are not aware that that fucking pig is waiting for the time to unleash his vicious fantasies and nourrish his sexual desire. You wouldn’t imagine how he does that? Let me enlighten you, after finishing the birthday cake, he drives to the bathroom to clean them up, he takes advantage of that and start touching parts of their body and that isn’t it just yet, he pretends that he’s gonna take them to the bedroom in order to rest but they don’t know that he’s actually driving in a dark way where their human rights will be violated.  On that TV show they show the closing of the bedroom, seing that image and thinking about  what calamities might be done behind those walls makes wanna puke. I don’t stand thinking about that pedophile for he completely disgusts me. I mean seriously, you’re fucking old, borderline my grandfather’s age living with your wife! Why the fuck do you seek feeding your desire by the use of innocent human beings?

Before hearing about the pardon decision, I was holding on to the hopes that our country might be one day civilized, where everyone has his rights, that the law wouldn’t be broken for any reason, not even a political one. Though, right after facing the truth, I realized that I was having the thoughts a deseperate  one clings to. I’m not the only clinging to those thoughts, all Moroccans were. Therefore, this decision came as a trigger to an inferno by people’s anger. Uprisings now are all over some cities claiming the revocation of that decision concidering the fact that releasing that criminal is not only disrespectful to the families victims but also threatening other children who’s rights are on stake. 

Plus this decision wasn’t merely a coinsidance because everything happens for a reason. It is mostly aiming to please Spain’s king because as it was said,  freeing the bastard was his request.  In a heart beat, it was approved, the King didn’t think about public opinion nor the families victims, he didn’t think that this is a second rape for Humans rights.

This is disgusting and more disappointing than any time. I mean seriously, is this the only way Morocco found to reash a better relationship with his Spanish neighbor? If so, it is so pathetic.

I feel such insane fury towards the government who does his best to shut the voices of protestors against this unjustice.  Yes, in this so called “democratic” country, people do not have the right to protest against that which they don’t like. I’m starting to question whether I know what democracy is. Seeing all that’s happening, I don’t think that the definition I have in my mind fits here.  Protestors are harshly beaten, deeply wounded, and severly injured while claiming for taking back the freeing decision. Is this democracy? Fucking bullshit!

The high government members are seeing us a stupid creatures, conspiring their shenanigans in their fucking buraus to make us believe that we are in control of the country while we aren’t, making us believe that we have the right to voice out our requests and speak for what we want, making us believe that the country is developing without violation of human rights. Well guess what, I’m sorry to tell you that we have been chasing a dream us unsubstancial as a wisp of smoke.

This bastard has no right to work freely and live a happy live after his release, we have to manage to make his life a living hell if not in a cellar. His photos has to be all over the country so that wherever he steps, he’d feel like a pariah, unwanted, despicable.

Thinking about my little brother, my neighbors, my little cousins and every potential victim hightens my fury and magnifies the feeling like crying until my tears dry off, crying for those honor trampled of the victimis families, their violated dignity, their raped dreams and their robbed future because of that fucking scychopath.

We are unconsciously slaves of our government, our own country. We shall free ourselves from it and keep claiming for our rights. We have to make the change. Easier said than done, but we have to try and not give up.