As I have recently approached in a book I'm reading, our human nature usually uses a defense  based on immersing in denial and drowning every ounce of our pain under a carpet we can't feel. When life gets rough, and when the amount of what we can deal with becomes quiet redundant, we choose to just act as if nothing is happening and carry on living by gathering whatever bits of happiness we can find. The pain and the suffering we dread and run from as far away as we can. Denial becomes what drug is for junkies: evanescent peace of mind.
Though as far as I am concerned, I don't like to fake a smile nor fake a behavior for faking is equal to lying and lying is not my best suit. I am sometimes not liked for my over honesty and little tolerance of things or people I don't like and yet I seem to have fallen unconsciously in the waves of denial for a while.
For the past few weeks I have been reveling in what seems to be my own embodiment of happy me in light of every dreadful thing I have encountered/ still encoutering. If I were to list what had happened it would be endless and I also don't feel like going totally naked in this writing. 

And now.. how am I and what am I ? I don’t know, or at least for now, sedatives at the hospital have this marvellous effect of dulling my feelings and taking me into pure and authentic emptiness, evil smelling emptiness because it just makes everything look okay for the time being and just as it starts fading away, I start going back to my real state, the very tired and hurt state, a state in which I believe that I am unbearable and annoying. I believe no one has to go through that with me, that evil state of mine in which I can hurt your feelings just to feel better and yet burst into tears the next second. Confusing right ? And if you ask what I want or what I feel, I wouldn’t know what to say because I honestly don’t know, because whatever I say now is not valid, I am not emotionally aware of how I am. I might even start to think that I am lost in the desire of recovering and finding myself again, because I just don’t feel like myself and it scares me too. And if I indeed have lost myself, when did it start ?

I'am going through a very rough time right now and I felt like writing, I'm very alone right now but here are my thoughts.. 
I can't stop thinking about a movie I had watched, its name is Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind. It’s about erasing the memory of a loved one. I’m not sure if that kind of surgery exists but it sure did in the movie for people would take appointments to have their mind cleared of memories that keep them down, of memories that caused nothing but sorrow and pain. With that doctor, everyone gets to have a second chance, and every miserable life gets to have a new begining. Though do we really want out memories erased ? Do you really wanna survive like nothing ever happened in your life ? What if those memories were a lesson to you or what if those same memories were testomony to how engrossing your life has been ? Don’t you think that there is more we could do other than just forging another person that is fake . As human beings, everyday comes with a bunch of events that happen to us, whether pleasant or unpleasant, it just has to happen, and with this common occurance we are unconsciously storing our own stories and adventures for those stories actually make who we are. Yes, it may sound insane but it’s true, philosophially speaking, it is the succesion of memories in one’s memory that makes their identity, their unique self that has nothing to do with another human being for we can’t have similar memories. So after a storm strikes in one’s life and destroys it, one wishes everything would fade away, every memory lived, every laugh made, every word spoken, and every word left unspoken. After that storm, the pain of the heart pierces one’s soul and poisons one’s breath. We become slaves to the desire of oblivion and we wish for something magic to drag us out of that goulish path we went into. We want to survive the storm somehow, we become deseprate, helpless, and start to cling to any shred of hope and we endeavour finding a silver lining in the darkness.

Every one has his own way of healing the wounds tattoed on his body and I for instance wished I were a vampire because they heal instantly, right after the damage is done which is awsome, isn’t it ? Like I said, everyone heals its way, there are people who start writing about what they’ve been through because they find some kind relief in that and they like (which is kind of me..) because everything is writtable you just have to have to guts to let it out and showit to the world.  And there are others who start new habits and new routines for their monotonous lives and that way, they escape the truth of their sadness and sorrow and pain. It’s temporary before every hurtful feelings comes back rushing towards their heads but the feelings of emptiness that dulls into their veins ,while doing those new routines, is pricless. Some people might call it being in denial, tricking one’s self for few minutes or few hours or few days even because it’s just a matter of seconds before you remember everything, every single little thing that hurts as fuck. You believe for a second that you’re healed but as a matter of fact you’re not, because those memories are a part of you and you can’t let them go just because you decided to.

In this movie, forgetting about a loved one was served on a silver plate throughout a sergery that restrains your mind in a map of the events you want to forget. They sedate you and start slowly

destroying every bit of your memory as if you’re some kind lab rat which is totally pathetic, don’t you think ? Instead of facing the truth, you decide to just wipe it all away in a heartbeat. Memories that tooks days maybe even years to happen, you just wipe them with one decision, you just destroy them with one selfish decision.

Farwell...

It was too late before I had time to realize that the trip of 2014 was over and that the time of 2015 has arrived, I think it’s the first time that I don’t celebrate this jump from one year to another and it’s gonna be this way for a long time now, Halleluah.

2014 was jampacked with events, from happiness to sorrow, from love to heartbreaks,from life to death, from trust to distrust. I know deep inside that I’m an idealist and having had such a year was disrupting for me. Had I known it were gonna be this way, I would have wanted to skip many parts of it including the death of my beloved grandfather. Sometimes I wish there were some glaring signs from life warning from an arriving storm which has plans of destroying me both mentally and physically. I know I’m asking for the stars now because one thing I learned this year is that the fun part of messing with you is not knowing when it comes or from where it comes. No matter how calm and steady my life may have seemed to me, some curveball had to be thrown at me, I couldn’t remain happy for long, the dark cloud was following me everywhere as my shadow. I’m not gonna deny that I had glimpes of happy and fun and crazy moments but the truth is the bad times made my mind a goulish path , all I can see are the bad times I lived because they’ve marked me. My medecine contest preparation time was an uphill struggle to me and it’s a mystery to me how I made it to the top. In addition to how hard the preparation was, I had some personal problems going on. I had to hide those under a rug every morning because otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to move on with my preparation and nail the contest and get into med school.

But again,we can never know anything for sure, or anyone, no matter how much we spend together, other remain a locked box that light be beautified to appeal, and the next thing you wake up to is a massive change you didn’t even know existed. But then when I think about it, the blame can also fall on us, on me because let’s face it, there are hundred or proverbs and saying and warning of what we should and shouldn not do or believe but then as human beings we just « have » this need of having to live and probably make the same mistake over and over before we get its wisdom. We just have to learn by ourselves that knowing is better than just wondering, that waking up is better than sleeping and that the glass may not be glass and that’s the most important part. I know that we all think that we see everything cristal clear, that everything is as white as snow but as a matter of fact it’s not, it’s just not.

I crave for the time when I was a little girl, when my mind was a blank paper, the time when my happiness was wearing my new pyjamas and getting into bed because that’s what i want to do, not because I’m running from the ugliness of what I’m seeing. I’m just tired of that feeling, that feeling I get, when I am sad of the world and ready for sleep, that at some point, had become my happiness. Don’t you think that’s pathetic and bittersweet. It’s pathetic and bittersweet. The bitterness of it all has covered the sweetness of it all.

Like I sad before, it’s all on me, it’s no one’s fault, it’s just on me alone. No one forced meinto anything. I walked into it withmy eyes wide open but not knowing what’s gonna happen. Okay  that’s a lie. I might had some expectations in my head even if we all know that expecitations are the root of heartache, I still expected. You see now what I meant by saying that we have to see for ourselves regardless of all the proverbs and sayings. 

But you can’t blame me for feeling robbed when my expectations aren’t met. So to feel better I might have to believe that my expectations sell me short, that what I never expected will burry the expected under its greatness to the point that I will start to question why I cling to my expectations if something amazing is out there waiting for me to grab it.

Lost...

I am very lost. I am have been trying to exteriorize that which I feel for days now but it was all in vain. The more I try, the more I fail, I climb few steps and at a point I get back to square one  and as soos as I start writing something engrossing, it ends up not surviving the threat of the « erease » button. Though tonight, there is quietness, this sound that is as mellow as the ocean waves, allowing my thoughts to rush into me finding their way out to the keyboard.

First, this world is messed up, and I am tired of hearing the words « everything is gonna be okey », and we are fucked up as people and very pathetic because we can’t even acknowledge the fact that we are living is this messed up world. We always endeavour molding a world that actually does not exist. It’s purely the fruit of our wild yet restricted imagination. We can’t always have what we want, our lives could take unplanned, unpleasant twists. It could easily turn from the happiest thing ever, to the most insipid thing ever. And then, at that right moment, when the world is no longer bright, and the daylight becomes gloomer, and we see no silver lining in dark clouds, we start stitching our own garment, building our own reality, hiding in our own illusions because at the end of the day, illusions make one survive. Isn’t that pathetic ? I think it is. Though it seems like the only way out when all doors are slammed at your face, and all masks are dropped from the faces and all true outlines surface. You start doubting everything around you, and start building walls of caution, you start heading towards solitary confinment, you start heading towards yourself. I had a best friend, a sister from another mother, we used to spend every minute of every day together, whether virtually or face to face, we were each other keys and each other’s wells. But now I don’t have that best friend anymore. I mean she’s here but not the way it used to be. And I have burried myself in work and  work to avoid facing the sore reality of our seperation and I have been strong , I really have or at least I tried but now I’m not. I feel like I could pass out any minute. Yeah I am that weak now and I admit it because I am tired of the illusion of my strength. I am THIS weak and it’s time for me to see it. I miss my best friend, I miss our laughs, I miss our sleepovers, I miss our little talks, I miss her so much. I was clinging to the hope of becoming how we were if she were to stay here in Morocco but she is not, she is leaving for Tunisia, she’s gonna be studying medecine there since she failed the contest here in Fes. She is not only leaving but she’s also leaving a hell of a whole in me because we were more than friends.

 I wish this was the only thing wrong in my life but it’s not. I don’t get how people can easily walk in and ruin things, it’s just beyond my understanding. I don’t ever understand why hide something in the first place if you’re gonna spill it out at the end of the day. What is the point behind that ? I can’t really figure this one out. Something else, what’s the point of building a relationship if not all things will be on the table ? Why put the effort ? And the irony remains in knowing that this hiding may cost you your relationship, and yet, you persist. If this is not testimony to how poorly one cares about a relationship then what is it ? And I’ve been playing puzzle all by myself trying to figure all this out but seems like my genius is not enough. I am just trying to make this look funny but it actually is the most hurtful thing one can experience. I was on a cloud, I was very happy at a time, everything was supposedly okey but I was brought down and shattered to many pieces (which I am trying to gather back ) because I was led to believe one thing, but ended up facing another thing. It was time for me to face what my waking hours are offering and leave what I was blessed with, or actually led to be blessed with. I do not wanna know anything now, I do not wanna trust anyone, I do not wanna bond because all those previous things are illusions. This is my conclusion. It’s all illusions and lies. You think you have a best friend but you actually don’t have a best friend, you think you have someone but you actually don’t have anyone, you think you can rely on someone but you actually can’t rely on anyone, you think you can trust someone but you actually can’t trsut anyone. Stop for a moment and look around, isn’t it all too good to be true ? Life can’t be smiling at you that much. It serves you everything on a silver plate and then smash it and smash you along with it.

I’m gonna be friends with everyone, but I’m not gonna be best friend with anyone and I’m not gonna get close to anyone because I do not wanna get hurt again and I do not wanna go through the process of losing anyone again or facing disappointment again. I have always been the one that cares « too » much, the one that loves « too » much the one that worries « too » much and there is no shortage of feeling words I could add to the list but this is enough exposure, and that has to change, eventually. 

We all break sometimes...

It’s been quiete a while since I haven’t had the chance to update things about me, I haven’t poured my sould into words and it’s certainely not because of shortage of ideas for I can take your ear off if I were to tell you what’s been going on, but it’s rather because of this fear of getting exposed, feeling naked to everyone, this fear of being like an open book to others. And from another angle, I don’t actually feel good whining every once and a while. My thoughts are chaotic at this right moment, I don’t seem to figure out what I want, I can’t seem to digest what is happening. The blizzard of thoughts is spinning from corner to corner, dodging all my attempts to put them into an order. Thus my life hasn’t been as quiete as an ocean, not insipid but sure as hell engrossing since I myself don’t know what’s ahead of me.

I ponder what’s worse between all the things that are happening to me and I realize it’s not really hard to get which one is worse because one of the things that happened is really ultimate, there’s no going back, it’s a closing door with lost keys forever. Let’s hold it for the end of what I’m writing so that I don’t fall apart crying now.

The most haunting thing is my baccalaurate which is due in 56 days. I feel the clock ticking, I really feel it in my bones and the anxiety is running through my veines poisoning my being. It’s decisive and has a final say about my orientation in life, whether I’m gonna be a dead loss or not. The permanent thoughts about my national exam is corrosive in some way (if I can put it like that) because you knowdespite my strength it’s wicked and has the ability to destroy me and bring me down from whatever greatness I could be reveling in. My recapitulation schedule is jampacked to its utmost that I am going nuts. The devil even sometimes make me believe that there’s no way I can get to the finish line of what I have planned. However a bright light glints shortly but repeatedly in my mind, having me believe that with determination nothing remains out of reash.

The ultimate most absolute thing that happend to me and unhinged me is not only losing my grandfather but also witnessing it. Under the weight of the realization that he’s gone I truly break. The pain in my heart is unspeakable for if it were let out it would reappear as ugly fissures all over my body. My grandfather was seriously ill, he had cancer so he was suffering  hence if you try to be rational and look at the bright side, he is not suffering.. wait there’s no bright side, he’s dead, he’s no longer here, I can no longer see him, my dad can no longer see him, NO one can see him now.  So his death is both the doorway of freeing from suffering and suffering (if that’s accurate..) The ceasing of his breath is the key to freeing his laungs from filling with suffering and exhaling suffering. I lie silent in the knowledge of the gospel truth that my grandfather faded away.

I’ve been sending everyone away, I’ve been rejecting all kinds of sympathy because somehow in this matter I don’t believe in it very much. You can put yourself in my shoes unless you’ve actually experienced the loss of someone that you deeply loved. Sympathy might be on the brink of extinction. I know  I’m seeing everything dark maybe I’m even overreacting because the truth is this quiet silence is violent to the soul. I am aware of what Khalil Jabrane said when he wrote ; « Life and death are one as the river and sea are one » I know that we are live and we are all distined to die, and by the death of my grandfather I shouldn’t gather all the weapons and kill my dreams and life because they are my eternity until my time comes. I shouldn’t rush my time and burry myself alive. I should in spite of everything let my dreaming seeds be and grow because when spring comes, they shall blossom and shall I blossom too.

I admit I became kind of squeamish these days but I just can’t help it, my only crime is that I loved my grandfather so much that bearing the idea of his death looks borderline impossible for me.

I was happy in 2013...

You know Henry David Thoreau once said : « I am a happy camper so I guess I’m doing something right. Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder »

Well I am that happy camper now, I’ve been that happy camper for a week now, or wait, for a year now, for the whole 2013 without mentioning the ups and downs which were along the road but it’s okey, I chose to keep track of only the times when I was a butterfly , hypothetically speaking I mean.

Having sisters in your life is one of the best gifts one can be blessed with for it fills one’s life with sorrow and joy, with pain and relief, with peace and love. My sisters and I are bonded by blood and flesh and soul, we are the embodiment of what a marvelous relationship can be like. The older we grow, the more we realize how much we love each other despite all the little misunderstandings we used to have. I don’t even recall how it was back then for the beauty of it all have burried in the depth the ugliness of it all. And just like Nietzsche had said, there are no beautiful surfaces without a terrible depth. The way we are now springed from how we were.

« How we were », I sound like a 60 years old recalling how she was, while I am still 17 years old but the girl I used to be is nowhere to be found. As I ponder about myself, about my surrounding, my friends,my sisters I realize that human race is indeed so much more of an intricacy and so much less of a clarity. Everytime I say that all is cristal clear, that we don’’t change, that we’re always the same, I end up realizing that I’m wrong. A change is as good as a rest and people constantly change for it doesn’t cost them that much. My sisters and I used to have misuderstandings sometimes that faded away now, my best friend guy and I used to be unseparable but we are not that anymore. Yes we are not. I can’t deny that my relationship with that best friend is one of the downs of 2013 that I can’t seem to forget just yet. I mean how can I forget it when he’s always here. But the thing is I feel deeply and immensly disappointed in him for I’ve never thought we’d reach this point of disagreement. Well he had said that I’m overrated and that when I’m angry I just say nonsense, which he finds really neagtive in me and he thinks that it will ruin most of my relationships. Really man ? It’s until now that you realize that ? After two years of being friends ? Well guess what maybe he thinks he knows me but he doesn’t that’s why I dropped it and I let you go. I mean not completly, you’re still here but I let you go as a close friend because there are many people out there who actually do put up with the fact that I am that angry person and who are willing to stand by me even at my worse. So yeah I guess this is one resolution of 2014 : Letting you go and letting them in because in order for new things to be here, I should let the water flow under the bridge and carry you with along with it. (Easier said than done but I’ working on it so it’s possible)

2013 was/is still year full of feeling of love and admiration, a year of wild heart pounding in every single meaning of the word. You know my heart was pounding all along 2013 (as much as I can remember). I feel joy when I think about it and I revel in it. In the dar kit enlightended my path and sorrow it helped dance, in despair it raised me above it all and in fear in sheltered me of it all. You don’t get to understand the meaning of something unless you live it so you can’t really understand how I felt unless you were in my shoes (which is scientifically speaking impossible since I only have hold of my DNA and it can’t be shared, it can be clonned but it’s far fetched) So I’m just trying to put into words the unspeakable hoping you’d get close to the image I’m trying to portray. I learnt during it all that risk is the salt of everything in life and that without it, nothing is actually worth it. With those feeling I’m a shining star in the dark night. I will always be thankful for what I was blessed to have. When I felt that way , I was awakened once again ,as fire from unextinguished ashes, my dying dreams and fantasies were raised from their graves. So my other resoltuion would be preserving this treasure that I have and protecting it from outsider storms, nourrishing my feelings and working on my selfishness issues because it really is not pleasant. I will always remain astouned at the power that selfishness has over me. I become thid ugly creature, believe me, it’s utter ugliness and the thing is it ruins it all and jeopardizes everything, the cloying of the foundness can slowly be no longer an equation in Maths (I’m sorry to involve science in everything that I say) but I genuinely fear what my selfishness could result in and I don’t wanna ever start to imagine because then I’ll have this mischievous frown in my face that I don’t like.. Anyway, the cloying of how selfish I am has to ebb but it’s not like I control it or do it on purpose, it comes like that and runs in my veins that way though I’ll try to unlock more often the non selfish part of and let it flow on the surface becasause at the end I’m not that bad am I ?

Last quick resolutions, I should stop rehashing old arguments whenever I am in a middle of a converstaion with someone because it drains me out of energy actually. I should do whatever it takes to make it the the 21 of september, that days is a beautiful day and I can’t say no more about it for it’s a beautiful reminder to remain in the sacracy of privacy.

Expect nothing, win a lot, have fun, be wildly free, be madly in love, and yeah, GET MY BACCALAUREATE AND REMAIN HAPPY.

...As a man thinks, so is he...

As a man thinks, so is he… This is a quite known aphorism of James Allen. This author is known for his beliefs saying that men are the complete sum of all their thoughts and therefore their thinking springs and blossoms to result in a person’s behavior as well as a person’s demeanor, be it real or sham.

We live in a world where good and evil are walking all around , finding a way to coexist within the same space and concidering that fact, people can be who they prentend they are or they can be what lays in the shadow of that which they prentend they are. Philosophy sustains that we can never know people for real since their demeanor could be forged to appeal the viewer even though deep down, it is the ugliest thing possible. Hence what I’m saying is that someone who appears to be eerie can actually be normal, someone who appears in his highest level of happiness can deep down be carrying a stab of sorrow, someone who appears to be real can be nothing more than an illusion, an image, someone who appears to be beautiful and perfect can actually be narcicistic, someone who appears to be as calm and steady as the ocean waves in a sunny day can be a time bomb. Isn’t it odd ? It’s astonishingly unbelieveable how wrong you can be about someone. Is is that easy to put on a mask and wander around with it ? Are people’s feelings this unmeaningful ? There aren’t enough words to describe the depth of my bewilderment. How can one’s seeds be this dirty ? How can one’s thoughts be disgraceful to the point of beguiling the closest people around them ? Figuring out this remains beyond my capabalities.

After realizing being betrayed by the closest ones, we end up fearing the unknown, builiding tremendous walls of caution to hide behind them, cutting off any kind of human contact. There is nothing worse than betrayals, deceptions, disappointments. Such pain in the heart results in being cold as a rock, isolated, enclosed. We become the pure embodiment of loneliness. And no apology can bring the peaces back together because once something is broken, you have to accept that IT IS BROKEN.

As much as I endeavour denying the fact that I was once the victim of what I’ve been writing above, something brings me back to reality. When you see me, and I look at myself in the mirror, you see normality though the deeper you dip, the more you realize that there is a certain anguish underneath the surface. I portray myself in transparency, and I know myself as intricacy. I dwell in bitter sweet silence and I revel in it. And just like I was saying, there is my demeanor and my true me, if that makes any sense.

Like James allen said, I am the complete sum of all my thoughts, I make and shape my own decisions I grow the seeds of my behavior but still, I try my best not to betray, nor deceive nor disappoint…

PS : It’s been said that I’m overrated, so anything said in this article might be not true or wrong

…I didn’t know that I’m overrated, but now that I know, I thought that you all should know…

What are words...

Words have the power to turn a life upside down, it is a double edged weapon that can be used both to sooth someone or to light them on fire. But if we stop for a moment trying to figure out what words really are, we’ll be actually lost in a never ending maze with twisted unexpted roots. Some of us are actually slaves of haunting words they hear from others and if they do not free themselves from the chains of those whispers, they shall never ever shine. Like never. Others on the other hand worship the words they hear from others as long as they only hear what they wanna hear. So basically words are somewhat the architects of one’s being. Words are hazardous if not controlled, obnoxious if not sculptured.

They tend to say that a wise man must turn the tongue seven times in the mouth before speaking considering the fact that words once released from our lips, can never be taken back so one must think deeply before letting out any of his words. The power that words have is unbelievable. So the wiser you are, the more beautiful your words become and nothing is more beautiful than sweet honest words.

You noticed I said honest while sweet words aren’t always honest. So you see I believe words are nothing if they are not honest. What are words if they’re not honest ? What are words if they can be altered to be more appealing even though not that true ? What are words if they are not kept ? What are words when we are living in a planet where everything is mapped out and every single person is not always who you think he/she is ? What are words unsubstuncial.

Words are just excuces and lies and disappointments and sorrow and grief and anger and joy. Borderline joy to be more explicite. I don’t think that we need words that much since they not that relevant. I don’t need words to make someone feel how much I hate or love or despise him/her. It can be cristal clear if they only read my facial outlines. Words are wind. Let me tell you why I believe that words are not that important. In some cases, words stay stuck in our mouths, between our lips and tongue ,we remain speechless, the words won’t come out no matter how much we try to put what we feel into words.