It was too late before I had time to realize that the trip
of 2014 was over and that the time of 2015 has arrived, I think it’s the first
time that I don’t celebrate this jump from one year to another and it’s gonna be
this way for a long time now, Halleluah.
2014 was jampacked with events, from happiness to sorrow,
from love to heartbreaks,from life to death, from trust to distrust. I know
deep inside that I’m an idealist and having had such a year was disrupting for
me. Had I known it were gonna be this way, I would have wanted to skip many
parts of it including the death of my beloved grandfather. Sometimes I wish
there were some glaring signs from life warning from an arriving storm which
has plans of destroying me both mentally and physically. I know I’m asking for
the stars now because one thing I learned this year is that the fun part of
messing with you is not knowing when it comes or from where it comes. No matter
how calm and steady my life may have seemed to me, some curveball had to be thrown
at me, I couldn’t remain happy for long, the dark cloud was following me
everywhere as my shadow. I’m not gonna deny that I had glimpes of happy and fun
and crazy moments but the truth is the bad times made my mind a goulish path ,
all I can see are the bad times I lived because they’ve marked me. My medecine
contest preparation time was an uphill struggle to me and it’s a mystery to me
how I made it to the top. In addition to how hard the preparation was, I had
some personal problems going on. I had to hide those under a rug every morning
because otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to move on with my preparation and
nail the contest and get into med school.
But again,we can never know anything for sure, or anyone, no
matter how much we spend together, other remain a locked box that light be
beautified to appeal, and the next thing you wake up to is a massive change you
didn’t even know existed. But then when I think about it, the blame can also
fall on us, on me because let’s face it, there are hundred or proverbs and
saying and warning of what we should and shouldn not do or believe but then as
human beings we just « have » this need of having to live and
probably make the same mistake over and over before we get its wisdom. We just
have to learn by ourselves that knowing is better than just wondering, that
waking up is better than sleeping and that the glass may not be glass and
that’s the most important part. I know that we all think that we see everything
cristal clear, that everything is as white as snow but as a matter of fact it’s
not, it’s just not.
I crave for the time when I was a little girl, when my mind
was a blank paper, the time when my happiness was wearing my new pyjamas and
getting into bed because that’s what i want to do, not because I’m running from
the ugliness of what I’m seeing. I’m just tired of that feeling, that feeling I
get, when I am sad of the world and ready for sleep, that at some point, had
become my happiness. Don’t you think that’s pathetic and bittersweet. It’s
pathetic and bittersweet. The bitterness of it all has covered the sweetness of
it all.
Like I sad before, it’s all on me, it’s no one’s fault, it’s
just on me alone. No one forced meinto anything. I walked into it withmy eyes
wide open but not knowing what’s gonna happen. Okay that’s a lie. I might had some expectations
in my head even if we all know that expecitations are the root of heartache, I
still expected. You see now what I meant by saying that we have to see for ourselves
regardless of all the proverbs and sayings.
But you can’t blame me for feeling robbed when my
expectations aren’t met. So to feel better I might have to believe that my
expectations sell me short, that what I never expected will burry the expected
under its greatness to the point that I will start to question why I cling to
my expectations if something amazing is out there waiting for me to grab it.
