It’s been quiete a while since I haven’t had the chance to
update things about me, I haven’t poured my sould into words and it’s
certainely not because of shortage of ideas for I can take your ear off if I
were to tell you what’s been going on, but it’s rather because of this fear of
getting exposed, feeling naked to everyone, this fear of being like an open
book to others. And from another angle, I don’t actually feel good whining
every once and a while. My thoughts are chaotic at this right moment, I don’t
seem to figure out what I want, I can’t seem to digest what is happening. The
blizzard of thoughts is spinning from corner to corner, dodging all my attempts
to put them into an order. Thus my life hasn’t been as quiete as an ocean, not
insipid but sure as hell engrossing since I myself don’t know what’s ahead of
me.
I ponder what’s worse between all the things that are
happening to me and I realize it’s not really hard to get which one is worse
because one of the things that happened is really ultimate, there’s no going
back, it’s a closing door with lost keys forever. Let’s hold it for the end of
what I’m writing so that I don’t fall apart crying now.
The most haunting thing is my baccalaurate which is due in
56 days. I feel the clock ticking, I really feel it in my bones and the anxiety
is running through my veines poisoning my being. It’s decisive and has a final
say about my orientation in life, whether I’m gonna be a dead loss or not. The
permanent thoughts about my national exam is corrosive in some way (if I can
put it like that) because you knowdespite my strength it’s wicked and has the
ability to destroy me and bring me down from whatever greatness I could be
reveling in. My recapitulation schedule is jampacked to its utmost that I am
going nuts. The devil even sometimes make me believe that there’s no way I can
get to the finish line of what I have planned. However a bright light glints
shortly but repeatedly in my mind, having me believe that with determination
nothing remains out of reash.
The ultimate most absolute thing that happend to me and
unhinged me is not only losing my grandfather but also witnessing it. Under the
weight of the realization that he’s gone I truly break. The pain in my heart is
unspeakable for if it were let out it would reappear as ugly fissures all over
my body. My grandfather was seriously ill, he had cancer so he was suffering hence if you try to be rational and look at
the bright side, he is not suffering.. wait there’s no bright side, he’s dead,
he’s no longer here, I can no longer see him, my dad can no longer see him, NO
one can see him now. So his death is
both the doorway of freeing from suffering and suffering (if that’s accurate..)
The ceasing of his breath is the key to freeing his laungs from filling with
suffering and exhaling suffering. I lie silent in the knowledge of the gospel
truth that my grandfather faded away.
I’ve been sending everyone away, I’ve been rejecting all kinds of sympathy because
somehow in this matter I don’t believe in it very much. You can put yourself in
my shoes unless you’ve actually experienced the loss of someone that you deeply
loved. Sympathy might be on the brink of extinction. I know I’m seeing everything dark maybe I’m even
overreacting because the truth is this quiet silence is violent to the soul. I
am aware of what Khalil Jabrane said when he wrote ; « Life and death
are one as the river and sea are one » I know that we are live and we are
all distined to die, and by the death of my grandfather I shouldn’t gather all
the weapons and kill my dreams and life because they are my eternity until my
time comes. I shouldn’t rush my time and burry myself alive. I should in spite
of everything let my dreaming seeds be and grow because when spring comes, they
shall blossom and shall I blossom too.
I admit I became kind of squeamish these days but I just can’t
help it, my only crime is that I loved my grandfather so much that bearing the
idea of his death looks borderline impossible for me.
