Lost...

I am very lost. I am have been trying to exteriorize that which I feel for days now but it was all in vain. The more I try, the more I fail, I climb few steps and at a point I get back to square one  and as soos as I start writing something engrossing, it ends up not surviving the threat of the « erease » button. Though tonight, there is quietness, this sound that is as mellow as the ocean waves, allowing my thoughts to rush into me finding their way out to the keyboard.

First, this world is messed up, and I am tired of hearing the words « everything is gonna be okey », and we are fucked up as people and very pathetic because we can’t even acknowledge the fact that we are living is this messed up world. We always endeavour molding a world that actually does not exist. It’s purely the fruit of our wild yet restricted imagination. We can’t always have what we want, our lives could take unplanned, unpleasant twists. It could easily turn from the happiest thing ever, to the most insipid thing ever. And then, at that right moment, when the world is no longer bright, and the daylight becomes gloomer, and we see no silver lining in dark clouds, we start stitching our own garment, building our own reality, hiding in our own illusions because at the end of the day, illusions make one survive. Isn’t that pathetic ? I think it is. Though it seems like the only way out when all doors are slammed at your face, and all masks are dropped from the faces and all true outlines surface. You start doubting everything around you, and start building walls of caution, you start heading towards solitary confinment, you start heading towards yourself. I had a best friend, a sister from another mother, we used to spend every minute of every day together, whether virtually or face to face, we were each other keys and each other’s wells. But now I don’t have that best friend anymore. I mean she’s here but not the way it used to be. And I have burried myself in work and  work to avoid facing the sore reality of our seperation and I have been strong , I really have or at least I tried but now I’m not. I feel like I could pass out any minute. Yeah I am that weak now and I admit it because I am tired of the illusion of my strength. I am THIS weak and it’s time for me to see it. I miss my best friend, I miss our laughs, I miss our sleepovers, I miss our little talks, I miss her so much. I was clinging to the hope of becoming how we were if she were to stay here in Morocco but she is not, she is leaving for Tunisia, she’s gonna be studying medecine there since she failed the contest here in Fes. She is not only leaving but she’s also leaving a hell of a whole in me because we were more than friends.

 I wish this was the only thing wrong in my life but it’s not. I don’t get how people can easily walk in and ruin things, it’s just beyond my understanding. I don’t ever understand why hide something in the first place if you’re gonna spill it out at the end of the day. What is the point behind that ? I can’t really figure this one out. Something else, what’s the point of building a relationship if not all things will be on the table ? Why put the effort ? And the irony remains in knowing that this hiding may cost you your relationship, and yet, you persist. If this is not testimony to how poorly one cares about a relationship then what is it ? And I’ve been playing puzzle all by myself trying to figure all this out but seems like my genius is not enough. I am just trying to make this look funny but it actually is the most hurtful thing one can experience. I was on a cloud, I was very happy at a time, everything was supposedly okey but I was brought down and shattered to many pieces (which I am trying to gather back ) because I was led to believe one thing, but ended up facing another thing. It was time for me to face what my waking hours are offering and leave what I was blessed with, or actually led to be blessed with. I do not wanna know anything now, I do not wanna trust anyone, I do not wanna bond because all those previous things are illusions. This is my conclusion. It’s all illusions and lies. You think you have a best friend but you actually don’t have a best friend, you think you have someone but you actually don’t have anyone, you think you can rely on someone but you actually can’t rely on anyone, you think you can trust someone but you actually can’t trsut anyone. Stop for a moment and look around, isn’t it all too good to be true ? Life can’t be smiling at you that much. It serves you everything on a silver plate and then smash it and smash you along with it.

I’m gonna be friends with everyone, but I’m not gonna be best friend with anyone and I’m not gonna get close to anyone because I do not wanna get hurt again and I do not wanna go through the process of losing anyone again or facing disappointment again. I have always been the one that cares « too » much, the one that loves « too » much the one that worries « too » much and there is no shortage of feeling words I could add to the list but this is enough exposure, and that has to change, eventually. 

We all break sometimes...

It’s been quiete a while since I haven’t had the chance to update things about me, I haven’t poured my sould into words and it’s certainely not because of shortage of ideas for I can take your ear off if I were to tell you what’s been going on, but it’s rather because of this fear of getting exposed, feeling naked to everyone, this fear of being like an open book to others. And from another angle, I don’t actually feel good whining every once and a while. My thoughts are chaotic at this right moment, I don’t seem to figure out what I want, I can’t seem to digest what is happening. The blizzard of thoughts is spinning from corner to corner, dodging all my attempts to put them into an order. Thus my life hasn’t been as quiete as an ocean, not insipid but sure as hell engrossing since I myself don’t know what’s ahead of me.

I ponder what’s worse between all the things that are happening to me and I realize it’s not really hard to get which one is worse because one of the things that happened is really ultimate, there’s no going back, it’s a closing door with lost keys forever. Let’s hold it for the end of what I’m writing so that I don’t fall apart crying now.

The most haunting thing is my baccalaurate which is due in 56 days. I feel the clock ticking, I really feel it in my bones and the anxiety is running through my veines poisoning my being. It’s decisive and has a final say about my orientation in life, whether I’m gonna be a dead loss or not. The permanent thoughts about my national exam is corrosive in some way (if I can put it like that) because you knowdespite my strength it’s wicked and has the ability to destroy me and bring me down from whatever greatness I could be reveling in. My recapitulation schedule is jampacked to its utmost that I am going nuts. The devil even sometimes make me believe that there’s no way I can get to the finish line of what I have planned. However a bright light glints shortly but repeatedly in my mind, having me believe that with determination nothing remains out of reash.

The ultimate most absolute thing that happend to me and unhinged me is not only losing my grandfather but also witnessing it. Under the weight of the realization that he’s gone I truly break. The pain in my heart is unspeakable for if it were let out it would reappear as ugly fissures all over my body. My grandfather was seriously ill, he had cancer so he was suffering  hence if you try to be rational and look at the bright side, he is not suffering.. wait there’s no bright side, he’s dead, he’s no longer here, I can no longer see him, my dad can no longer see him, NO one can see him now.  So his death is both the doorway of freeing from suffering and suffering (if that’s accurate..) The ceasing of his breath is the key to freeing his laungs from filling with suffering and exhaling suffering. I lie silent in the knowledge of the gospel truth that my grandfather faded away.

I’ve been sending everyone away, I’ve been rejecting all kinds of sympathy because somehow in this matter I don’t believe in it very much. You can put yourself in my shoes unless you’ve actually experienced the loss of someone that you deeply loved. Sympathy might be on the brink of extinction. I know  I’m seeing everything dark maybe I’m even overreacting because the truth is this quiet silence is violent to the soul. I am aware of what Khalil Jabrane said when he wrote ; « Life and death are one as the river and sea are one » I know that we are live and we are all distined to die, and by the death of my grandfather I shouldn’t gather all the weapons and kill my dreams and life because they are my eternity until my time comes. I shouldn’t rush my time and burry myself alive. I should in spite of everything let my dreaming seeds be and grow because when spring comes, they shall blossom and shall I blossom too.

I admit I became kind of squeamish these days but I just can’t help it, my only crime is that I loved my grandfather so much that bearing the idea of his death looks borderline impossible for me.