You know Henry David Thoreau once
said : « I am a happy camper so I guess I’m doing something right.
Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude
you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit
softly on your shoulder »
Well I am that happy camper now,
I’ve been that happy camper for a week now, or wait, for a year now, for the
whole 2013 without mentioning the ups and downs which were along the road but
it’s okey, I chose to keep track of only the times when I was a butterfly ,
hypothetically speaking I mean.
Having sisters in your life is
one of the best gifts one can be blessed with for it fills one’s life with
sorrow and joy, with pain and relief, with peace and love. My sisters and I are
bonded by blood and flesh and soul, we are the embodiment of what a marvelous
relationship can be like. The older we grow, the more we realize how much we
love each other despite all the little misunderstandings we used to have. I don’t
even recall how it was back then for the beauty of it all have burried in the
depth the ugliness of it all. And just like Nietzsche had said, there are no
beautiful surfaces without a terrible depth. The way we are now springed from
how we were.
« How we were », I
sound like a 60 years old recalling how she was, while I am still 17 years old
but the girl I used to be is nowhere to be found. As I ponder about myself,
about my surrounding, my friends,my sisters I realize that human race is indeed
so much more of an intricacy and so much less of a clarity. Everytime I say
that all is cristal clear, that we don’’t change, that we’re always the same, I
end up realizing that I’m wrong. A change is as good as a rest and people
constantly change for it doesn’t cost them that much. My sisters and I used to
have misuderstandings sometimes that faded away now, my best friend guy and I
used to be unseparable but we are not that anymore. Yes we are not. I can’t
deny that my relationship with that best friend is one of the downs of 2013
that I can’t seem to forget just yet. I mean how can I forget it when he’s
always here. But the thing is I feel deeply and immensly disappointed in him
for I’ve never thought we’d reach this point of disagreement. Well he had said
that I’m overrated and that when I’m angry I just say nonsense, which he finds
really neagtive in me and he thinks that it will ruin most of my relationships.
Really man ? It’s until now that you realize that ? After two years
of being friends ? Well guess what maybe he thinks he knows me but he
doesn’t that’s why I dropped it and I let you go. I mean not completly, you’re
still here but I let you go as a close friend because there are many people out
there who actually do put up with the fact that I am that angry person and who
are willing to stand by me even at my worse. So yeah I guess this is one
resolution of 2014 : Letting you go and letting them in because in order
for new things to be here, I should let the water flow under the bridge and carry
you with along with it. (Easier said than done but I’ working on it so it’s
possible)
2013 was/is still year full of
feeling of love and admiration, a year of wild heart pounding in every single
meaning of the word. You know my heart was pounding all along 2013 (as much as
I can remember). I feel joy when I think about it and I revel in it. In the dar
kit enlightended my path and sorrow it helped dance, in despair it raised me
above it all and in fear in sheltered me of it all. You don’t get to understand
the meaning of something unless you live it so you can’t really understand how
I felt unless you were in my shoes (which is scientifically speaking impossible
since I only have hold of my DNA and it can’t be shared, it can be clonned but
it’s far fetched) So I’m just trying to put into words the unspeakable hoping
you’d get close to the image I’m trying to portray. I learnt during it all that
risk is the salt of everything in life and that without it, nothing is actually
worth it. With those feeling I’m a shining star in the dark night. I will
always be thankful for what I was blessed to have. When I felt that way , I was
awakened once again ,as fire from unextinguished ashes, my dying dreams and
fantasies were raised from their graves. So my other resoltuion would be
preserving this treasure that I have and protecting it from outsider storms,
nourrishing my feelings and working on my selfishness issues because it really
is not pleasant. I will always remain astouned at the power that selfishness
has over me. I become thid ugly creature, believe me, it’s utter ugliness and
the thing is it ruins it all and jeopardizes everything, the cloying of the
foundness can slowly be no longer an equation in Maths (I’m sorry to involve
science in everything that I say) but I genuinely fear what my selfishness
could result in and I don’t wanna ever start to imagine because then I’ll have
this mischievous frown in my face that I don’t like.. Anyway, the cloying of
how selfish I am has to ebb but it’s not like I control it or do it on purpose,
it comes like that and runs in my veins that way though I’ll try to unlock more
often the non selfish part of and let it flow on the surface becasause at the
end I’m not that bad am I ?
Last quick resolutions, I should
stop rehashing old arguments whenever I am in a middle of a converstaion with
someone because it drains me out of energy actually. I should do whatever it
takes to make it the the 21 of september, that days is a beautiful day and I
can’t say no more about it for it’s a beautiful reminder to remain in the
sacracy of privacy.
Expect nothing, win a lot, have
fun, be wildly free, be madly in love, and yeah, GET MY BACCALAUREATE AND REMAIN HAPPY.
